COMB-OVER

I really have nothing to say about this except my 3 month old's bald spot is some of the softest skin I have ever touched. I feel bad for her that there is not enough hair to do a comb-over, but she doesn't seem to mind. and yes, that is a birth mark...

NOURISHMENT

What up with Diet Coke drinkers? They are obsessive and crazy and their need for Diet Coke is like a heroin addiction. When guests, friends, my mother-in-law, anyone really, comes over to my house they are appalled that I do not have the silver cans in my frig. What, no Diet Coke? Why can I not understand the goodness of that sweet caramel bubble river? What I do understand is Diet Coke will take the ring right out of your toilet bowl. Yup, just leave it there overnight and let those cute little caramel bubbles do their magic. In the morning, viola. Clean toilet bowl.

If you are one of those crazed Diet Coke drinkers, forgive me. I just do not understand the obsession. How do you even choose which variation of the same drink you prefer?  Some days you feel like lime and other days you feel like cherry?  Or is it a loyalty thing and you only drink Diet Coke with Splenda. no exceptions. And for the love of crazy, are you really going to tell me Diet Coke Plus is good for you because it has B6, B12, zinc and magnesium? When I was growing up, I learned the difference between good food and bad food and I am pretty sure Diet Coke did not appear on the Food Pyramid. I am also pretty sure that it is best to get your vitamins from, ohhh, I don't know, food? Maybe you could have some whole grain cigarettes with your vitamin rich Diet Coke. Some antioxidant beer on Friday night. Pair up your serotonin wine with some cholesterol lowering sausage links.

No thank you Diet Coke, I prefer to get my vitamins from Trader Joe's Chocolate Powerberries.
~SOS~

UM, WOW

I just got my car back from the shop. It has been there for a month. Damn Texas roads are dark at night. The exit ramps should be lit up with some kind of reflectors. or a sign. a street lamp. something. A tree jumped out of nowhere. Nobody was hurt. The dog, a little shocked. Didn't much like the taste of dashboard. or windshield. However, the tree seriously liked the taste of my car. Grabbed a huge bite of the front quarter panel and drive shaft. and the license plate. yum. 13k dinner for tree. My perfect driving record now has a big red slash. blinking red lights: warning!
But this is not my story.

My baby sister is getting married in a few months and I went to the party store to get the decorations for her lingerie shower and bachelorette outing. Ohhh la laa. I walk out of the store in a good mood. oooo-eeee,  this is gonna be good.  

Holy. What the eff? MY CAR!?!?! There is a huge scratch along the passenger side. Seems a red car danced with my car and then took off. Asshole. Someone is gonna hear about this!

Hello!? non-emergency police? yes, someone hit my car and took off. I give the lady on the other end of the phone the gory details of how my newly painted car is in ruins. She assures me that someone is being dispatched as we speak directly to the scene of the crime. Thank you very much I say completely satisfied with myself. This situation is getting handled. I am, however annoyed pissed the car will be going back to the shop. grrrrrr

then .... ohhh shit. wait! um, ma'am....  ummm. wrong car. sorry. eeekkk!

I can feel the roll of her eyes as she hangs up on me. I look at the ground, pretend she is still there and say thank you, goodbye. There are a few people watching my tantrum and at this point I am not sure what to do. So, I gesture at the scratched door and mumble, "that sucks".  Then, I pull my baseball cap down over my eyes and haul my dumb ass across the parking lot to MY still beautiful, newly painted, non-scratched car.

Guess I wont be going back to that side of town again... EVER.
~SOS~

SHOO TOOTH FAIRY

The tooth fairy is one crazy bitch in my opinion. She has two personalities and one of them is straight up mean witch.  Maybe she was an outcast in fairy school. Maybe the other fairies are mean to her and don't invite her to tea. Whatever the reason, she needs therapy.

Yes, she brings treats to little gummied children as they lay sleeping in their bed. The only time, aside from Christmas Eve that children will go to sleep willingly.  For this, she gets a few points. Ohhh, the excitement of loosing a tooth. Children can hardly stand the waiting, with all the anticipation of what the good fairy will bring them.

However, when the mood strikes Miss Fairy, she turns ugly and you never even see it coming. I wish I knew what provoked her. Maybe I could bribe her with more teeth or some chocolate chip cookies. something. whatever she wants.

This morning the wicked fairy thought it funny to hit up Little K while she was nursing. All of the sudden Little K clamped down hard and started teething on me! YIKES  as I attempt to rip myself from her jaws. Little K just looked up at me like, "whats wrong, mama?" I could feel the snicker of the evil fairy.  Show your face fairy. I've got something for you.  A few hours later, she struck again. Little K was drooling and crying with a nice fever to accompany the pain in her tiny gums. Seriously Miss Fairy, just tell me what you want. A new dress? what? anything can be negotiated.

Nope, Miss Fairy is not a nice fairy. She gets her mean on when children are small only to redeem herself years later by bringing them treats in exchange for their little teeth. Which raises the age old question: what does she do with all those teeth? Everyone is happy. for a few years.  You almost forget about her.  maybe that is the problem? Then, wham. She shows up again with no warning wearing her evil grin. Coming out of nowhere trying to cram some more teeth in your already filled up mouth.  Calling them 'wisdom teeth'. Funny fairy. very freakin' funny fairy. hilarious.

Someone please hire a hit man fairy and let's take this bitch out.

~SOS~