TAKING THE MATERNITY TOUR... SORTA

Both my husband, L and I are wise asses and what happens when the two of us go places together is we usually make fast friends with other wise asses lurking around or else we get ugly stares and looks of disapproval from our surrounding peeps. He is, however much more vocal than me most of the time. One can only imagine whats in store when we are out with our friends, but that is for another day. Hey, we like to have a good time. and yes, we are those people...

Last night, at 36 weeks we decided it was time to register at a hospital and take our maternity tour....sorta.  Our first was born at UCLA and L complained the recovery room and bed were too small for him.  So, this time he wanted to go to St. Johns because he had been there and the rooms were much better. OMG, HE was uncomfortable? Unthinkable. Nonetheless, we are switching hospitals in order to make him more comfortable this time around.

As we walk in the room, there is a 9lb baby doll being passed around. The tour guide lady wants everyone to know what a nine pound baby feels like. (okay? because that prepares you for pushing it out of your you know what? and who the hell has a 9lb baby anyway?)  We haven't even found a seat and L starts up, "I have a 22 pound baby if anyone wants to know what that feels like." Here we go. A few giggles. Maybe this wont be so bad. The tour lady launches into her power point and we just look at each other and I know exactly what L is thinking, "crap, I have my training session in an hour and this is not looking good." The slides go on and on.... and on.  My toddler has a dirty diaper so I get a quick break. When I come back we change seats so she can better entertain herself. Why didn't I bring toys you ask? Well, I did, but she is never interested in those. And why would she be when there is a big white table she has never seen before and some chairs that are big and brown and oh my, a white board she can color on? I drift away for a minute while she colors and when I come to, I hear the tour lady telling everyone it is California state law to have an infant seat in your car when you leave the hospital. ummm, duh. One wifey asks if it is okay to install it yourself or do you have to have a professional install it?  seriously? L doesn't miss a beat, "he can do it (looking at her husband), but its all on you man!"  blank stare from the husband and wife. a few smirks. silence. yup, we are making friends. A few minutes later, the same wife turns and glares at us and says to the guide lady, "I am sorry I can't hear you. Can you repeat that?"  Clearly this is her first child. Yes, you must pay close attention wifey there will be a quiz later.  I will say say, our toddler could have been a little quieter, but most is to blame on my husband. He was board and would start to poke at her, she would start giggling, they would exit for a minute (repeat) and this was possibly causing a disturbance, but other than that she was very good...she loves her daddy.

Finally, the power point draws to a close and at this point and we have toured exactly nothing, but still we take this as our cue. During the break, I find the tour guide and ask her to point at the doors we enter when it is "time".  I hand her our paperwork and we make our escape. I am sure the rooms are quite lovely and L has to make his training session. As the doors to the elevator were closing, L looks into the eyes of wifey and says, "I hope you have a horrible labor." nice.

In the car I comment that the husband of the wifey was a little dull. L's reply, "that's because she has castrated him, honey." .... and there you have it.

BEBE IS POTTY TRAINED

Alert: potty training mode. Yes, we have entered the black hole and I am afraid of exactly when we may emerge, if ever on the other side.  This morning my toddler comes running, "bebe pooopoo!" and I go with her to the bathroom only to find the good news, bebe used the potty!  Still, although bebe apparently has it down, my toddler seems to be perfectly content in her diapers. She does the wiggle dance when she goes pee and informs me proudly when she poops, but she no desire to do this on the potty.  She will however, sit on her potty and make a "ssssssssshhhhhhhh" noise and pretend she is going potty. Then she takes exactly one panel of paper and wipes her pretend pee.  As I write this I have to get up and go myself (8.5 months pregnant) and this triggers the whole game.  "MAMA, poooopoooo" as she goes running towards her bathroom to pretend once again. This is great.  Who else wants to join the party?  We sit there for a few minutes with me encouraging her and she decides she is done. Of course, nothing.  So we put on a diaper and I start to walk away.  "MAMAMAMA!"  Now she has to wash her hands. What was I thinking walking away without the washing of the hands!?!

We have tried a few different approaches, such as reading books on her mini plastic throne in order to pass the time in hopes to get an accidental pee that could be rewarded with a treat, but this simply turned into our new book corner and her thinking it is hilarious to be able to read on the pot. I have also tried using her bathroom in hopes she would sit with me and we could do it together, but as I was bending over to help her join me, she thought it a better idea that mommy wear the potty seat as a hat. So, I am not sure what I am supposed to do next, but the good news is my mom visits in a few weeks and she is super mom. So, I will hand the torch to her in hopes she has some magical idea that will work. In the meantime, I am happy bebe goes on the potty.

"NOOOO MAMA, NOOOO"

All I hear lately from my toddler is "noooo mama, noooo" and let me just start off by saying my husband seems to think this is because all I do is tell her no.

Lets recap:
"MAMA!!" as she is jumping up and down on the dog facing backwards so she can pull his tail.
"mama, this?"  as she grabs my iPhone and runs towards the toilet.
"mama, MINE!" as she sticks her fingers in my chapstick and smears it all over herself.
"mama, yummm" as she eats her shoe. (really?)

Perhaps I do tell her no a lot, but what am I supposed to say, "good job honey!" ? I try to explain why, but she is off to the next stunt and I am left talking to myself.

My sister seems to have some great, logical answers for me, but then I am left to wonder how she knows so much while I know so little. Clearly she got hold of a genetic manual that was not made available to me. Did I mention she is 24?

Sometimes I feel like I am in mourning for the child that was in my womb. When I was pregnant I had beautiful visions about this perfect little angel who was well behaved because I, of course cracked the whip and she ever so willingly obeyed. Where is the well behaved, calm, eager to please child I so clearly envisioned? Clearly I was hallucinating. My husband and I are the furthest thing from calm, go with the grain sort of people.

The good news is, she is perfect, just not the way I envisioned, but is anything ever the way you picture it to be? My toddler is happy and crazy and full of energy, she is outgoing, independent, curious and is so eager to soak up the world around her.  (I am sure your kids are wonderful too) All of this also means she is defiant and pushes and pushes and pushes just to see how far she can push and when it leads to her getting in trouble, she wants to hug and kiss and make up, but only for the split second she knows you are actually angry. Then she simply wiggles out of your arms and is off running again. Take 2, or 5 or on some days, take 945.

So, I start to read about this "no" thing she is doing and read things like "when your child's favorite word is 'no' and her default position is defiant, just relax" and "Be calm, maybe sometimes she gets to play with her toys a little longer when you are ready for her to pick them up". Clearly this was either written by a man or a woman with incredible patience. Strike 2. I am missing the genetic manual my sister has and come to find out the patience gene.

All of this becomes a bit overwhelming as I think that daughter number 2 is going to grace us with her presence on October 18th. We know this is the day because I am being induced which is how I did it with my first. Gotta love California doctors.  I am very ready to have this baby as I truly hate being pregnant. Crap. Strike 3. Women baffle me when they walk around acting like it is so wonderful to be pregnant. What is so wonderful? Gaining weight, swelling, constipation (tmi?)? Or is it the part where you can't hardly breathe or maybe the fact that you have to pee every 15 minutes? What in the hell is so great about all of that? In any case lets get this show on the road. I am ready for number 2 and this time I don't have any expectations.