TAKING THE MATERNITY TOUR... SORTA

Both my husband, L and I are wise asses and what happens when the two of us go places together is we usually make fast friends with other wise asses lurking around or else we get ugly stares and looks of disapproval from our surrounding peeps. He is, however much more vocal than me most of the time. One can only imagine whats in store when we are out with our friends, but that is for another day. Hey, we like to have a good time. and yes, we are those people...

Last night, at 36 weeks we decided it was time to register at a hospital and take our maternity tour....sorta.  Our first was born at UCLA and L complained the recovery room and bed were too small for him.  So, this time he wanted to go to St. Johns because he had been there and the rooms were much better. OMG, HE was uncomfortable? Unthinkable. Nonetheless, we are switching hospitals in order to make him more comfortable this time around.

As we walk in the room, there is a 9lb baby doll being passed around. The tour guide lady wants everyone to know what a nine pound baby feels like. (okay? because that prepares you for pushing it out of your you know what? and who the hell has a 9lb baby anyway?)  We haven't even found a seat and L starts up, "I have a 22 pound baby if anyone wants to know what that feels like." Here we go. A few giggles. Maybe this wont be so bad. The tour lady launches into her power point and we just look at each other and I know exactly what L is thinking, "crap, I have my training session in an hour and this is not looking good." The slides go on and on.... and on.  My toddler has a dirty diaper so I get a quick break. When I come back we change seats so she can better entertain herself. Why didn't I bring toys you ask? Well, I did, but she is never interested in those. And why would she be when there is a big white table she has never seen before and some chairs that are big and brown and oh my, a white board she can color on? I drift away for a minute while she colors and when I come to, I hear the tour lady telling everyone it is California state law to have an infant seat in your car when you leave the hospital. ummm, duh. One wifey asks if it is okay to install it yourself or do you have to have a professional install it?  seriously? L doesn't miss a beat, "he can do it (looking at her husband), but its all on you man!"  blank stare from the husband and wife. a few smirks. silence. yup, we are making friends. A few minutes later, the same wife turns and glares at us and says to the guide lady, "I am sorry I can't hear you. Can you repeat that?"  Clearly this is her first child. Yes, you must pay close attention wifey there will be a quiz later.  I will say say, our toddler could have been a little quieter, but most is to blame on my husband. He was board and would start to poke at her, she would start giggling, they would exit for a minute (repeat) and this was possibly causing a disturbance, but other than that she was very good...she loves her daddy.

Finally, the power point draws to a close and at this point and we have toured exactly nothing, but still we take this as our cue. During the break, I find the tour guide and ask her to point at the doors we enter when it is "time".  I hand her our paperwork and we make our escape. I am sure the rooms are quite lovely and L has to make his training session. As the doors to the elevator were closing, L looks into the eyes of wifey and says, "I hope you have a horrible labor." nice.

In the car I comment that the husband of the wifey was a little dull. L's reply, "that's because she has castrated him, honey." .... and there you have it.